Just a few Sunday cartoons...

Ever wonder what it would have been like if Noah had had to deal with a phone?

Hmmmm wonder if you really CAN take it with you?

And finally, the ultimate fate of a lawyer...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:17 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 44 words, total size 1 kb.

Yet another one ripped off borrowed from GuyK:

A man goes into a restaurant where all the
waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a
very short skirt comes to his table and asks,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame
top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The
waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and
asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again
answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over
and slaps him across the face with a resounding
SMACK! and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table then leans over and
whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced'quiche.'

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 138 words, total size 1 kb.

take the WHAT BAD BOOK ARE YOU test.


and go to mewing.net. not as good as reading a good book, but way better than a bad one.

H/T to Techivampire

And:

You scored as Maximus. After his family was murdered by the evil emperor Commodus, the great Roman general Maximus went into hiding to avoid Commodus's assassins. He became a gladiator, hoping to dominate the colosseum in order to one day get the chance of killing Commodus. Maximus is valiant, courageous, and dedicated. He wants nothing more than the chance to avenge his family, but his temper often gets the better of him. Maximus 75% William Wallace 75% The Amazing Spider-Man 63% Batman, the Dark Knight 58% Captain Jack Sparrow 50% Lara Croft 50% Indiana Jones 50% James Bond, Agent 007 50% Neo, the "One" 42% The Terminator 38% El Zorro 38% Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

H/T to Red-neck Hippy

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:16 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed
that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a
lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed
itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system
activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting
and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User.

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to
not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 07:49 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
Post contains 382 words, total size 2 kb.

H/T to LindaSoG

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 11:16 PM | Comments (5) | Add Comment
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Go HERE for a rather unusual Christmas video.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:53 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 12 words, total size 1 kb.

1 I dumped it when they started flashing the surrender symbol.

Posted by: Walter E. Wallis at December 02, 2005 11:13 AM (pdI0e)

2 I prefered to look at it as the "peace though superior fire power" symbol....I just imagined a B-52 in the circle

Posted by: delftsman3 at December 02, 2005 04:48 PM (gwxg6)

Hide Comments | Add Comment

Christmas is the4 time of year that we're supposed to reflect on the events of the last year and give thanks for out many blessings. Here's just a few thanks for some people that E-mail me from time to time:

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat droppings in the
glue on envelopes cause I now have to get a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason. I want to thank you who have taken the time and trouble to send
me your chain letters over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me
feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually
Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking
out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking passenger along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping
gas.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant
death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks for always correcting me with "gotchas" from "Snopes" who
knows it all. Thanks to you, I am totally in the know.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped
in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex
molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00
PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....IF YOU CAN !

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:29 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
Post contains 746 words, total size 4 kb.

All for one and one for all. Major nerve control here! WOW!

Tell ME that we don't have the best of the best!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:09 PM | Comments (1) | Add Comment
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Religious Golfing

Moses, Jesus, and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies off over the green, where a lighting bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man Who Loved Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Doctor's Orders

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attorney: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?

Witness: The young lady is pregnant — but not as a result of my examination.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."

BA DA BUMP!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 04:17 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over
by a Sheriffs Deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy
because he is sure that he has a better education.
He decides to prove this to himself and have
some fun at the deputy's expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop
at the stop sign "

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop.
License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a
complete stop, that's the law. License and registration,
please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference
between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and
registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me
go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

H/T GuyK

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:53 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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GuyK put up an interesting statistic:

If you consider that there have been an average
of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations
during the last 22 months, and a total of 2112
deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per
100,000.

The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 firearm deaths per 100,000.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and
killed in our nation's capitol, which has some of the strictest gun
control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.

Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kinda puts the damper on the anti-war protesters laments about how deadly Iraq is doesn't it?.....Maybe, in next session, the Pols will try to award themselves battle pay?

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:45 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Here's a link to a new book by Peter Schweizer called "Do As I Say (Not As I Do): Profiles in Liberal Hypocrisy". Something I am going to put on MY Christmas Wish List.

The book is a researched documentary of the hypocritic actions of 11 of the foremost Liberal icons and their private actions.

Just a few little teasers :

Claim: Noam Chomsky calls the U.S. military the most evil force on the face of the earth.

Fact: The Pentagon has provided him with a comfortable living for many years through Defense Department grants.

Claim: House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi proclaims her support for unions and environmentalism.

Fact: The luxury resort, the vineyard and the restaurants she partly owns are strictly non-union and the exclusive country club she partly owns failed to comply with existing environmental regulations for the past eight years – including a failure to protect endangered species.

Claim: Barbra Streisand denounced global warming and the rape of the environment.

Fact: She drives an SUV, lives in a mansion and has a $22,000 annual water bill. In the past, she has driven to appointments in Beverly Hills in a motor home because of her aversion to using public bathrooms.

As Joseph Farrah says: "If they can't live within those rules, or choose not to, doesn't that strongly suggest their ideas are not worth the hot air that comes out of their mouths?"

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 03:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Well, we have a new DSL connection....I have to say, so far, I not impressed with Earthlink. The speeds is faster than the dial-up, but not as fast as the SBC DSL was, and I've had to retype this twice, as a pop-up wiped out my first effort...hopefully it's just due to some bugs in the system that can be worked out....

It took Mamamontezz about twelve hours to get a completely stable connection that would take her to the net every time; she still needs to get my account to the same point.

I know it sounds like sour grapes bitching, and it probably is, but is it really too much to ask that when you pay a sum of money to a service that you get...well, SERVICE?!?

It remains to be seen how fast and stable the connection will be but I AM delighted that at least we now have the odds of a great connection on our side, so that I can actually start posting again.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 02:04 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Finally! A Democrat that I can have some respect for. Sen. Joe Lieberman has come out in public support for President Bush insofar as not trying to set an artificial time table for withdrawal of troops in Iraq.

I'm sure that Mr. Lieberman was fully cognizent of how his statements would be viewed by the majority of members of his party, yet he had the courage of his principles to put those principles ahead of partisan posturing.

There are many issues where I oppose Mr. Lieberman, but I must acknowledge and applaud his courage in his actions in this case. I would almost go far as to support him should he choose to run for his party's nomination, as it seems that the majority of Republicans are too spineless to do what is right, instead of what is politically expedient.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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I've posted this before, but it's as true now as it was then. more...

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 05:57 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Soms wanhoop ik van mijn medeAmerikanen, schijnen zij in slaap te zijn bij het wiel als politieke juistheid en de partisian gebaseerde haat duwt ons steeds dichter aan een totale analyse van de basislijm die de maatschappij samen houdt.

Ik weet niet of is er nog tijd om dit langzaam maar bepaalde afdaling in sectarische anarchy en facism/socialism te stoppen; maar ik weet dat als niets wordt gedaan, dat is waar wij worden geleid.

De enige cursus ik kan zien proberen om het proces minstens te vertragen is voor iedereen aan staprug en reasses waar wij en zijn proberen om te bepalen enkel waarom whe wat geloven wij en om brutaal eerlijk te zijn over het in het proces blieve.

Thank you for your indulgence, and in case I should happen to have any Dutch readers, I apologize for my grammer, I'm seriously out of practice.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 10:31 PM | Comments (8) | Add Comment
Post contains 156 words, total size 1 kb.

Here's the WSJ's "best of the web". Notice that they lead with a three tour veteran of Iraq; decrying the stupidity of a Moveon.org antiwar advertisment.

Seems that Moveon can't tell the difference between American and British soldiers...of course to admit to British soldiers being present WOULD put their charge of Iraq being a "unilateral action" in the dustbin with their other lies and distortions, wouldn't it? But to depict Brits in an ad bemoaning the fact that Servicemembers and their families couldn't spend Thanksgiving together does seem to be over the top, even for them...(for you Progresives out there, the fact that this is idiotic stems from the fact that Britain doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving; I know you couldn't comprehend the Capt.'s. disgust otherwise)

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:03 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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The top Five reasons computers must be female...

5.- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

4.- Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3.- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

2.- The message, "Bad command or filename", is about as informative as "if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".

1.- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:28 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Just a little humor to lighten up a drab Monday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old woman was being interviewed and was asked "I see that you were maried four times". "Your first husband was a banker, the second a theater owner, the third a preacher, and your fourth an undertaker". "Why such disparet profesions?"

She replied that it was all due to good planning. "Oh?" said the interviewer.

"Yes", she replied. "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife were having a bitter argument, towards the end of which, the wife proclaimed: "I want to dance on your casket" to which the husband immediatly rejoined: "Great! Bury me at sea!".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man. "Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One morning Bobby's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S & M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying, trying to think of how to handle the situation.
Finally her husband came home from work, and he asked her how her day was. The mother told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation.

Her husband sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes his wife shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the jewelry department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "You don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it, then let's get it." The wife jumps up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register."

The husband says: "No - no - no, Honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No Honey. I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

The wife gets really mad and is about to explode when the husband says: "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wonder what which jokes I chose says about me ?!?!

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 06:23 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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Interesting....I looked up my domain name with the Link Popularity tool, here are the results:

Link Popularity Report
Domain www.delftsman.mu.nu
Alexa Traffic Ranking: 11617
Present in DMOZ: No
Present in Zeal: No

AlltheWeb: 1
AltaVista :56,500
Google: 0
HotBot
MSN Search: 32
Yahoo! :56,500
Link Popularity Total: 113,033

According to the tool:"A site that has a Link Popularity Score of 1,000-5,000 is considered average. A site with a Link Popularity Score of 20,000 is considered popular. Sites with a Link Popularity Score above 100,000 are Internet "Icons"."

So with a score of 113,033, I'M an "Internet Icon"!

All I have to say is that it seems that this tool has some serious flaws; but I needed the ego boost, so I'm not going to investigate any furthur and bask in the undeserved rating, at least until some schmuck comes and bursts my bubble.

H/T to GuyK for directing me to the link and giving me an ego boost when I really needed it.

Posted by: Delftsman3 at 08:59 PM | Comments (2) | Add Comment
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